


All I ever wanted

by Talvi



Series: Fictober2020 one-shots [10]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Heartbreak, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28839780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talvi/pseuds/Talvi
Summary: John had left.Sherlock is alone.Everything is falling apart.akaSherlock's monologue and feeling after John leaves him.Is he coming back?
Relationships: Sherlock Holmes & John Watson, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson
Series: Fictober2020 one-shots [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1954255
Comments: 3
Kudos: 12





	All I ever wanted

John had left. He slammed the door of 221B and left. John had decided that he wouldn’t take Sherlock’s shit anymore. And Sherlock was lying on his back on the couch, the darkness of the night now surrounding him as he felt all his will to live leaving his body and his mind. There. He had messed it up again but this time John was not going to come back. He knew that for a fact, just for the way his lover had left, Sherlock knew he wasn’t going to come back. He would probably send someone for his things and would even consider moving to another country. Because he thinks Sherlock would try to find him anywhere. But no. The detective was going to wait just there, for days to pass until he cannot take it anymore. He would hide in his mind palace waiting for the pain to go away, but since it won’t leave his heart then he would have to endure and stay in his mind until the lack of food and water finally kills him. 

“John” he spoke softly breaking the silence “John, come back” his voice echoed in the room “I’m sorry. I was an idiot. I should have known that if there’s someone I can’t fool is you. My love, my everything.” he felt his heart breaking again at the memory of John’s eyes when he found out that Sherlock had been using again “How could I be so stupid?” he kept on his monologue “Mycroft used to say that the drugs would make me lose everything I hold dear and I never cared about it because I never had anything or anyone I cared so much. Until you came along. Now I know you’re all I ever wanted” Silence again. John was not with him, he was not going to hug him again. John left. “I wish. I wish for you to come back. To give me one more chance. If there’s still hope for You and I, please, John, come back and let me prove you I can change” He said his promise to the empty room and closed his eyes, remembering John’s eyes, his lips, his hands, his voice saying he loved him. He couldn’t help the tears as the memories filled his mind palace that seemed to fall apart now. Everything in his head became chaos the more he recalled the moments they had together. For so many years Sherlock enjoyed his loneliness, until he found himself almost depending on John’s presence, and then choosing to spend their time together just made it better, their quality time was not measured on hours now, but on how good was to be together and Sherlock realized how much he needed that closeness.

He fell asleep there, crying on the couch. Time passed by and when he woke up the morning light was coming through the window. This was probably the longest he slept in a long time. He looked around the living room and everything was just the same. Something in his head and the feeling in his heart told him that John had not come back. As he predicted, the doctor would not come back this time. He wanted to get up and fetch a glass of water, but found out he didn’t have any energy to move. He sighed at looked at the ceiling as the horrible feeling overwhelmed his heart again. He, who used to think that it was not possible to feel this way, that people was just exaggerating. He was now, unable to move and feeling the tears on his eyes again, the unbearable pain on his chest, his heart beating faster, feeling like it could break from his chest and his breath becoming erratic. He knew this was a panic attack but did not have the knowledge on how to stop it, again, as he used to think he would never need it. He felt a weight on his chest and definitely he could not move now, but also he couldn’t breathe and even with all the knowledge he had he felt like he was dying, he was going to die right there in his apartment. A broken heart was going to kill Sherlock Holmes.

“Sherlock”

The name sound right behind him but so far away that at first he couldn’t distinguish who was the person calling him. Probably Lestrade, or worse, Mycroft, hopefully Mrs Hudson.

“Sherlock?”

Still, the voice sounded too far away as he could feel his heartbeat in his ear and something that sounded like the ballad of his death, dramatic as that was.

“Sherlock? are you alright?”  
And he identified the voice. No, please no. Now he was hallucinating John’s voice. It couldn’t be possible, he was probably somewhere else by now, but how could he be calling his name?

“Sherlock?!” 

There Sherlock felt hands shaking him and he opened up his eyes. There he was, please let this not be a fantasy, please, someone tell him that John was really there. He wanted to touch him but he felt trapped in his body, he even felt trapped in his own mind, and please let this not be a trick.

John looked at the detective’s eyes and understood. He knelt on the floor and let his hand rest on Sherlock’s, trying to let him know he was there with him. He could tell by the accelerated breathing that his lover was going through emotional stress.

“I’m right here ok. Try to breathe. Count to ten.”

Sherlock’s look was a panicked one.

“Sherlock, love. It’s me. Can you feel my hand on yours? Can you hear my voice? Hey, focus on my voice. I’m right here and I won’t let you go. Can you look at my eyes? what color are my eyes? What color is my hair?”

Sherlock replied with a whisper and smiled at John’s comforting smile. This was real. He was really there, with him, back at Baker Street

“It’s alright. Squeeze my hand for me, will you?” he said as he saw Sherlock’s breathing calming down. The black haired man squeezed his hand and smiled again. 

John stayed right there for a few more minutes until Sherlock spoke.

“Y-you… you are back”

The doctor nodded in silence.

“Please stay”

“I will stay. If you promise to sit up for me and have a cup of tea, alright?”

Sherlock smiled once again and sat up on the couch. He hid his face on his hands and felt tears again. But these were a different type of tears and after a while he felt John sitting by his side. He took the cup of tea and drank in silence. His mind palace was building itself once again. He knew they would have a long talk but for the minutes he was drinking his tea he wanted just to enjoy John’s eyes on him. Everything was in its place again.


End file.
